My Articles

Getting Ghosted

Missing Attachment

Getting ghosted means that you are in a relationship and the other person ends it without saying anything.  It can leave you wondering what went wrong.

Immature

Sometimes guys will ghost you because they are immature, and they do not know how to say that they want out of the relationship.

Option

Some guys will say that they ghosted someone because they wanted to end the relationship but might want to get in a relationship with that person down the road.

Confrontation

Some guys don’t want to have confrontation so they will just stop the relationship without talking about it.  This avoids confrontation but is a weak way out.

Not Official

Some guys feel that they don’t have to do the breakup thing because they didn’t consider the relationship to be official.  They feel that since it isn’t, they don’t have to do a real breakup.

Saving Feelings

Some guys feel that if they just end the relationship without talking about it then they will save feelings.  Instead of ghosting her, talk it out.  Ghosting someone will leave them feeling terrible about themselves.

Confidence

Most guys will be nervous and will not have the confidence to do a breakup.  Instead of talking about it, they will ghost the woman so that they do not have to have the conversation.

Respect

One of the worse reasons for ghosting someone is not having respect for them.  If a guy has no respect, they will ghost you.  A woman should never have to be ghosted and she would do nothing to earn this kind of treatment.

Bad Feelings

Some guys feel that if they do a real breakup that it is more painful.  This is a reason why they will not talk about it and will just disappear.

Conclusion

No matter what reason you want to break up with someone, ghosting is never a good excuse or way.  This can really hurt someone and can cause them to be heartbroken and to feel bad about themselves.  Always be upfront about the relationship and even if you want to breakup, do it honestly and kindly.

Ground Rules of Friends with Benefits

Missing Attachment

A friend with benefits scenario can definitely take care of your needs sexually. This is true of someone you hang out with all the time or someone you only hang out with for sex without commitment. Friends with benefits fall between a one-night stand and a boyfriend/girlfriend status. They serve a purpose, fill a need, and do not require anything overly meaningful.

Lines can get blurry in these situations because sex and love complicate everything, but if clear boundaries are drawn then the sex can be fun and enjoyable. If you do enter this type of arrangement, keep these things in mind.

Keep Realistic Expectations

Do not head into a friend with benefits situation expecting it to turn into more. This will leave you disappointed. If you are not into casual sex only relationships, then avoid an FWB type situation. This will lead to disappointment.

Capitalize

Since both parties are open to the idea, capitalize on the benefits. Use the time to explore anything you want to find out what you really want and need. This is commitment free and a time to have fun.

No Assumptions

Never assume anything about the situation. Make sure you communicate openly so that misunderstandings are avoided. If clear boundaries are not set, then an entire friendship could hang in the balance. Have a grown-up discussion about what is and is not happening.

Self-Awareness

Make sure you are self-aware so that communication remains open. Be honest with yourself about what you want, not simply what you hope for from the FWB scenario.

Share Feelings

If things change and feelings start to develop, be honest with the other person. While it may mean an end to the sexual relationship, it will be less painful further down the line if the person does not share your feelings. You never know how they are feeling unless you talk about it.

Friends First

The good thing about a FWB scenario is that when you tire of one another or someone starts dating, then the sex ends, but the friendship continues. Throughout the sexual aspect, keep friendship first so the eventual transition back is seamless.

Don’t Hold on Too Long

FWB should be fun. So, if you and the other person are having fun, keep going. If the fun ends, the sex should end as well so you can go back to a traditional friendship.

Clarify Roles

Before hooking up the first time, even though it can be awkward, have a talk about the expectations and roles. If you hooked up first, then still have a check-in to make sure everyone is still on the same page. If this is skipped, the friendship could be damaged.

Ground Rules

An FWB scenario means an open relationship, but this should be defined ahead of time. Since you are free to sleep with other people, be clear about if you want to know who these people are and when or how often. You may not owe an explanation, but this should be defined up front.

Communicate

Be clear about your wants and desires up front, even if you want to try things out and see if a relationship is developed. If the other person is not up for this, then find another outlet. Better to be direct than be hurt later on.

Reasons to Call it Quits with a Cheating Partner

Missing Attachment

No matter how you discover infidelity in a relationship is discovered, it is an emotionally traumatic event. Perhaps you ran across incriminating texts to or from another girl or a recent business trip was confessed to be a cover for an affair. No matter how the cheating was discovered, it is never easy and always painful. Once you know, you then have to decide whether to stay or leave. Some people work hard, heal the relationship and stay together, but others choose to move on.

Fictional characters often forgive their partners of affairs when they realize that their whole relationship would be a waste if they leave. They would rather hold on to what is left, then sacrifice everything. In real life, it is not always that easy. There are always other factors to consider and either way it can be messy. Those in long term relationships may feel that everyone makes an occasional mistake and it could be forgiven, but others cannot handle the emotions that come knowing their partner has been unfaithful.

If you find yourself in this situation and cannot decide what to do, then here are some reasons to serious consider leaving an unfaithful partner and the reasoning behind each area.

They Denied It

Many times, cheating is discovered when one partner has a gut feeling the other is being unfaithful and then discovers evidence. If you shared your concerns and then had to corner your partner before they came clean and admitted the affair, it is going to be a long road if you stay together.

Cheating is hurtful no matter what, but when being confronted, if the lies continue then another layer has been added on. If your partner cannot admit to the cheating and show some remorse, this may be a sign to move on.

It’s Habitual

While the old saying of “once a cheater, always a cheater” may be an exaggeration in many ways, there is a bit of truth. Those who cheated in a previous relationship are three times as likely to cheat in another relationship. Cheating can become a habit, but only you can decide if your partner’s infidelity is habitual. Knowing that your partner has cheated before, on you or someone else, is a red flag that you must consider. Ultimately, the choice is yours alone to make.

Most times, you can trust your gut. Even if you are not aware of others episodes of cheating, if it feels like this may not have been their first time, then it probably wasn’t and will not be. This steals the security that is supposed to be in a loving relationship. That being said, if you aren’t sure, try asking your partner if this is a first offense and try to figure out what made them cheat. Though it will be hard, remain calm and get as much information as you can to decide whether your trust can ever be regained.

While you can leave, if you choose to stay, trust can be rebuilt, but it takes time and work. If your partner is unwilling to work on rebuilding trust then there is little point in staying.

Shattered Trust

People feel more betrayed at times when they are blindsided by an affair because there is such a difference in a cheater admitting an affair and being caught. The lying makes it worse in many ways. If you stumbled upon the evidence that your partner is cheating, then trust will likely be shattered beyond repair. You may always wonder what else has or will be hidden. This can be fatal to a relationship.

When cheating is discovered in this manner, the one cheated on may become obsessed with hunting down the truth. This may be focused on the partner or the one they were having an affair with, but it can be all consuming. Instead of barreling down this path without thought, take time for some self-reflection. If the relationship was struggling before the affair because communication had broken down or you were neglecting one another, then that could have been a trigger. This is just one explanation and it is not an excuse, but it can offer some closure for the matter. This also helps if you choose to leave the relationship so you do not carry the baggage into a new relationship.

Affects Your Self-Esteem

Few cheaters realize their choices affect others. If your partner’s cheating starts making you question your own attractiveness or abilities in a relationship, then it may be time to cut your losses and move on. It can be tough, but you must remember that your partner’s cheating could have had many reasons and justification, but they are not your fault. The blame is not yours to bear for their poor decisions.

If you feel like the current relationship has taken away your best self, then talk to your partner and explain how you feel. This is important if you plan on leaving, especially if they think you are going to stay. This gives them a chance to lessen the insecurities you may have, but do not assume this is what will happen. Be willing to listen, but do not take on the blame if the cheater begins putting you down.

Conclusion

Not all relationships will end when infidelity enters the mix. Many times cheating is a sign that something is wrong with your relationship and you must decide if you are willing to look for that issue and work toward a resolution. But, if you find yourself hurt beyond any repair or unwilling to even try, then move on. Even though mistakes are common, you deserve a significant other who makes you feel good about yourself, the relationship, and someone you can trust.

While it is important to try to seek help through a couple’s counselor or retreat at first, if it is not helping or your partner is not willing, then do what is best for yourself. Ultimately, you will be stronger from the experience and better prepared for whatever comes next.

When Is It Time to Say Goodbye?

Missing Attachment

There are times when you are at a fork in the road and must consider ending a toxic or abusive relationship. It could be a sibling, a parent, or cousin, friend or lover. It could be you have tolerated inappropriate behavior for a long time and have given them a lot of grace, but it is beginning to affect your mental health and emotions.

First you have to understand why you tolerate their behavior. You may have trouble standing up for yourself and may even feel like you don’t have the right to say something. It could be that you fear them harming themselves if you leave or you aren’t certain where the boundaries lie. It could also be that your view of yourself will go down if you end it. You think you are supposed to always give regardless or maybe you think a failed relationship is a reflection on you.

There are solid reasons to end a toxic relationship. Ending the relationship could teach the other person there are consequences to bad behavior. It shows that people will not tolerate it. You teach people how to treat you and ending the relationship demonstrates your boundaries.

You may feel better about yourself and ending an abusive relationship helps you regain power over your life. Finally, you will benefit long-term for knowing that you don’t have to allow this type of behavior in your life.

There are five steps to follow through on to end an emotionally draining, abusive relationship.

  1. Figure out if you are being emotionally abuses. Does being around the person make you uncomfortable or do you feel numb when you interact with them? Does their comments produce a physical reaction like a nervous reaction or cringing? Does thinking about the humiliation case an emotional or physical response? Does life without them seem safer or more peaceful.
  2. Imagine what life would be like without them. You may not realize that life could be incredibly different without the abuse. Is it peaceful? Are you happy? It is relaxing? Really identifying what life would look like can help mentally prepare you for breaking up. It suddenly doesn’t seem so scary.
  3. Give them one chance. You will need to tell the person that their behavior must change or you will leave. There could be a bad reaction and, if there is a full rage explosion, you need to leave immediately. For those who may be in real danger, you may want to leave without telling the person. You don’t have to take their calls. The decision is up to you.
  4. Include close friends or family in your decision. They likely already know about the abuse and can offer good feedback. It is important to express your thinking to them rather than isolating yourself out of embarrassment or shame.
  5. Talk to a therapist. They are there to help you work through the problem to come to a solution. A therapist can validate your situation, give you some insight and connect the dots from your early childhood experiences to the present situation.

Understanding that you don’t deserve abuse and are worthy of love and respect is key to ending a toxic relationship. Change may be difficult, especially if you’ve been together for a long time, but getting out of such a relationship is the first step to healing.

If You are Still in Love with Your Ex, Here is What to Do

Missing Attachment

If you suffered a break up and are still listening to your favorite break-up sign on repeat while crying into a bowl of ice cream, you are probably still in love with your ex. While we can all sympathize and you are not alone, this is not healthy. It is heartbreaking to care about someone so much that you feel connected, but others are encouraging you to move forward. You may not know what to do.

It is time for you to realize that your ex is gone and you need to do what is necessary to move on. Some women will need to confront their ex in a bold way, while others need time to process a love lost, but it can be done. We are here to help with some suggestions to let the healing begin.

Find Your Community

Surrounding yourself with friends and family members can help your wounds to heal. While they will not replace the love you had for your ex, they can show affection that will wean you off of what you lost in a safe manner. While it is okay to feel a bit lost after losing a relationship, it is also an opportunity to rediscover yourself or create a whole new you. This time of personal growth and change can be hindered if you are holding on to leftover feelings about your ex.

It is possible for friends to fulfill you in ways your ex could not. This includes being relaxed and silly watching movies, volunteering for events, or anything else that allows you to be yourself. Take time to move forward with the loving community you have created.

Time Heals

As a general statement, it will take half the length of a relationship to heal when it falls apart. This is however, just a statement and is far from true for everyone. If you are still in love with your ex, your healing will take longer.

Healing and moving on takes patience, something that is not common among humans. This process can be painful and often irritating because it takes so long. However, time is necessary because the heart need it. The longer amounts of time you stay away from your ex and the more time spent actively trying to move on, without contacting them, the more the painful feelings will fade.

Make a Choice

You have two choices when you are still in love with your ex. You can either move on completely or confront them so you two can work it out. Moving on completely means no contact in any form because an on again off again relationship will just make things harder. If you wish to repair the relationship, confront him and try, but if it does not work than cut ties and move on. It is emotionally exhausting to go back and forth with someone, you are better off just moving forward. Every situation is unique and perhaps it can be worked out, but you will only know if you make a decision to confront and then move on if it doesn’t. You had a life prior to meeting your ex and you can have a good life afterwards.

Think It Through

Love is complex as an emotion. Before making up your mind you are definitely still in love with your ex, really examine your feelings. It may be that you are no longer in love, but want to be or that leftover emotions are hiding the actual truth. Take the needed time to sort out your feelings before making a rash decision. Make sure you are not confusing love with jealousy over a relationship your ex now has or your need for affirmation. No matter what you ultimately decide, work on loving yourself so when you do end up in a relationship again, it is emotional baggage free.

Try Again

Exes tend to be exes for a reason, but if a time of separation has allowed you to realize you love your ex then that is okay as well. Maybe this person is your true love and you cannot move on. When you have spent a great deal of your time and life with someone, the love never fully goes away. Consider your feelings closely, make a list of all the things that used to annoy or bother you. Now review the list. If you can live with all those things, then go back, if not, go forward.

Navigating the waters of a breakup are difficult, messy and often hard, but if you are following your true feelings and heart then the choice is yours to make. Focus on surrounding yourself with people that love you and treat you the way you deserve. Heal and move on when you are ready or work things out and enjoy your life together, it is up to you.

Signs of One-Sided Love

Missing Attachment

Love is confusing and can cause you to have feelings that you don’t know how to control.  Love can also have you guessing how someone really feels about you and can make you wonder about life in itself.

We think that we know when we fall in love with someone but there are times when we aren’t sure if they love us back.

Signs That Your Love is One Sided

Do you always wonder what someone that you like is doing and where they are off to?  Do you wonder if they are out living a good life?  Do you have a picture of them in your phone and wonder if they would be upset if they found out about it?  Still, you won’t delete it.

You might have true love for them but you are worried that all of your feelings might make you a stalker.  Do you run into them “accidently?”  Do you get jealous when you find out that they are out with someone else?

This might be a sign that your love is one sided.  Do you ever feel that they are using you and that they don’t appreciate you?  Do you wish that hey would find you and be affection to you?

Our culture shows us that having one sided love is normal.  Shakespeare writes about it, Cusack writes about it and people even sing and play music about it.

Being lazy has given us a reason to believe that one sided love is part of being romantic and it leads people to try to win someone to love them.

If you are always the one that is trying to contact them then you might be missing the sign that they don’t really love you.  It might be time to move on.

Do you think in your mind about what you could do with the person you love?  Do you tell people about the guys that got away and you are already thinking about the desires you have?  This is one sided love.

We need to be blunt.  If someone has told you that it is not you, chances are that they don’t love you.  If they told them that they aren’t ready, it means they probably don’t love you.

It is tempting to be sad about this but it is funny how we go from sensitive to other feelings towards people.  It is important to understand that no one has to owe you or be with you if they don’t want to be.

They Are Perfect

If you feel someone is perfect and you desire to be with them, then you have put yourself in a position that is holding you back on for the wrong person.

You Feel That You Are Nothing if they Don’t Love  You

When you put yourself in the position that you will only be satisfied if that one person loves you then you need to learn to live your own life as a whole.

If you love someone and it makes you who you are then you are being selfish and codependent on someone.

Thinking of them Makes You Anxious

When you want someone and want to believe that someone loves you then it can make you feel anxious.  This is proof that it could be one sided.

No Physical Contact

If you can’t even get a hug, there is no intimacy there.

Touch is important when you are trying to bond and if you think you are in love but you never hold hands or make eye contact with this person then that is a sign that the feeling is one sided.

Ways of knowing whether you are with the wrong person

Missing Attachment

Below are recommendations to help you know when something is wrong unhealthy unsustainable building on the sand:

If you don’t feel safe

There’s no way you can feel safe and trust at the same time. If you don’t feel safe, you can’t trust, and when you can’t trust then the relationship will not work. Without building trust first, nothing can be built. It’s the building block of everything. Everything falls apart without it.

Therefore, what makes individuals feel unsafe?

Apart from the well-known like physical abuse, infidelity and emotional abuse, there’s poor communication, jealousy and character assignation.

You should explore why you not feeling safe before you begin to blame games. Maybe you are the problem. After finding out why you don’t feel safe, you can communicate that. You shouldn’t leave with claims that you don’t feel safe.  However, if someone doesn’t make you feel safe or can’t make you feel safe then it means you are with the wrong individual.

If everything’s boring

Most of the time in your relationship you’ll be watching movies, hanging out or sharing meals. Though sex is important, you won’t be doing it the whole day, it’s just an hour every night and that’s only if things are good. Therefore, without the banter pieces’ things can get boring. In any case, you are unable to have deep meaningful conversations with someone, that’s already an indication that they are not good for you. Even if there is great intimacy. It will be short-lived if great banter is not there. Good banters keep the relationship moving.

Everything is about them

Some individuals can’t make it about anyone else but just them. There’s nothing more painful than feeling alone in a relationship.  If you feel alone then you need to ask yourself how much that will cost you and your journey, and how it will cost your partner and your relationship too. In any case, the relationship makes you feel alone and you can’t fix your partner, then you are with the wrong person.

They are dictators

There are distinct forms of control. The worst is subtle control. You will be able to spot other people’s controlling ways if you know your worth. However, it’s not easy to spot subtle control. In any case, you feel like you’re being controlled, you certainly are.

If somebody is a dictator and is not willing to change, you are with the wrong person.

Poor intimacy

Intimacy is about connection and it’s not all about sex. When there’s no connection, that’s a flag although it doesn’t mean anything serious. The flag will, however, turn into a sign if you two can’t reconnect.

You are definitely with the wrong person if no matter where you go you don’t get better reception.

Those are signs that you might be with the wrong person. That’s said, I trust that people can talk things over and try to make things work in a relationship.

 

The distinction between being left and leaving the one you love

Missing Attachment

You always wonder what you did wrong when left by someone you love. You wonder why they stopped loving you and if there is anything you could have done to change it.

You always hear the thoughts they leave unspoken, especially if you are the one leaving. You feel like you know their thoughts and wished you can stop them from having those thoughts. You weren’t aware of the fact that leaving can be so hard.

Your hurts portray itself in different ways when you are left by someone you love. Other times the hurt manifests out as anger. You use spiteful words to hurt them back. At times you live in denial and the hurt doesn’t manifest at all. Sometimes you become unable to do anything and just feel the hurt.

When you are the one leaving, you always feel a different kind of pain. You don’t feel its impact immediately but you will later. You will hurt because you caused someone else pain.

You always think time will heal the pain you are feeling when left with someone you love. You count days and months to see if you are getting better. You think it’s time that’s lessening the effects not knowing it’s just by living.

Time is not important if you are the one leaving. You are just aware of the happenings and don’t feel time passing or standing still.

When the one you love leaves you, you are always reminded of them everywhere you go. The memories of all the things you used to do come back. There’s nothing you can do to erase the memories.

When you are the one leaving, the memories still come back but you can still visit your favorite spots and joints without feeling bad. You don’t mind those memories but enjoy them.

Indications that its time you just lose hope on getting your ex back

Missing Attachment

Have you tried getting your ex back but you don’t see any effort?

Have you felt like you’ve tried everything to have them back only to feel like you’re not satisfied like you were in the past?

Are you confused about whether you should just lose hope on that relationship and just move on?

The answer to this question looks easy since some individuals will just say, but they are an ex for a reason, but for you, it might feel like something else.

It’s quite unfortunate that there are days you just have to give up on your relationship even if you still love the other person and that’s exactly what I want to discuss today.

Below are signs that you should definitely lose hope on your relationship with your ex and begin to get over it for good.

  1. Your ex is in a serious relationship with somebody else

Trust me, you’re just hurting yourself by looking at their wedding photos on Facebook. Just call it quits when they start staying with someone else, get into another relationship or better marry another person.

The fact that they have moved on should be a sign that you should start getting over them. If you have plans of making them split you’re just doing zero work. And so is the thoughts that maybe one day they’ll their husband or wife for you. It’s quite unfortunate that you might feel like you need the relationship but they don’t feel like that anymore.

  1. There are several things you were unable to solve in your relationship

It can be tiring to get your ex back. There are so many reason s to call it to quit forever, from them wanting kids but you don’t want to disagreements and drug abuse etc. when trying to get them back, these things won’t be evident but know that if you become successful and got them back, you will still face the same serious problems that made you broke up. It’s not worthy to keep trying if you can’t solve those problems.

  1. You were abused

Do not even think about this. Just go for good.

  1. There’s a lack of respect between you

This poisons the relationship over time. You should consider having a family or if you have one, you’ll be able to see the effect of this.

Would you like to see your children grow up thinking that disrespecting their mates is very okay? Most likely not. Individuals usually defend this saying that it’s not bad while it will just affect their family as they look. Respect is very important in every relationship and you’re worthy of it, and so is your partner.

  1. They just disappeared

This means they didn’t respect you. They didn’t bother to tell you that the relationship was over.

Let’s say they come back, what makes you sure they won’t dump you like that again? You do not want to worry constantly if they’ll leave each and every time they go out. If you keep worrying like this, you’ll just destabilize your relationship forever.

  1. When welcoming them back has just taken over your life and lowered your self-esteem

I have said this before and ill still repeat.  There are crazy things unhealthy that heartbreaks can make us go through. Driving to your ex and sob at the door may seem normal.

You are wasting your time if you decide to cling in this place of heartbreak.  Being in this kind of situation will just lower your self-esteem which is not good.

Lastly, you’re the only one to decide what time is best for you to move on. But if you’re experiencing the things above I’ll urge you to reconsider whether its time calls it to quit and let your ex be and turn a new page in your relationship life.

Why the bad guy seems to always win

Missing Attachment

Why does it seem that the bad guys always get what they want? It’s frustrating. And it seems that everyone else does, too. So why is it please that these guys breeze through life unscathed by the stressors and set backs the rest of us face.  They get the jobs and the get the girls.  It may sound like envy and it is.  Doesn’t everyone want to be rich and have a happy relationship?

So maybe its time to look at what is ensuring their success.

Bad guys don’t care

They don’t. They just don’t care what other people think of them. They do what they want when they want.  They have found what the want to do and they just do it.  They are simply living their lives.  Now ask yourself, do you do what you want? Or do you spend most of your time fumbling your way around the world? So now, take stock of what you want in your life and go live it.

Bad guys have guts

Bad guys have no fear. They will do what they want and not look back.  They can do whatever they want because they are not afraid. If living in a constant state of apprehension is holding you back, try living without fear controlling you.  All you have to do is try and be willing to fail.

Bad guys aren’t afraid to brag.

You’ve seen them, guys who don’t appear to have much to be proud of, yet they make the most out of what they have and they own it.  They aren’t afraid to put it all out there, no matter what it is.  Sometimes there is no room for humility. Celebrate the moments of your success.  Take your moment to shine. Once you begin to live your life fearlessly and to the fullest, you should  learn to celebrate it.

Bad guys are always hunting.

No matter what they are looking for, bad guys are always out there looking for the next catch. No matter  what they are in the market for, they are always looking for it. They go for it, all of the time.  This is good for them because they know that they can’t be successful if they don’t try.  This is a lesson we can all learn.

Bad guys never let a chance slip by

No matter what it is, a sale, a job opportunity or even just the last cinnamon bagel. The bad guy grabs each chance as it comes up. They know it is not a luck or fate, it is an opportunity that they didn’t let pass them by and the keep pursuing it.

So why are they bad guys? There are some people who are genuinely bad, but the ones we refer to now are the ones who have the characteristics we wish we had.